Hiking Si

I don’t hike much on my own.  I can count the solo hikes I’ve been on pretty quickly–only one.  For me it’s similar to going to a bar alone.  Sure, I could, but why? I like company and conversation.  I like the feeling of working towards something with someone on a hike or a climb. So I was surprised last night when I started to plan a hike by myself without even thinking to ask anyone else if they wanted to join.  My achilles is still sore and after skiing all morning I wanted to do something at my own pace, without worrying about coordinating or discussing if turning around was a good idea.  Funny enough, a few friends of mine didn’t have the same solo trip in mind, but did want to do the same hike.  I went to sleep not sure if we were meeting up or not, but sure that I’d be headed out in the morning.

The drive out to North Bend was easy– little traffic, a little sun glare on the road.  I brought the dogs (so maybe this doesn’t really count as a solo hike?) and the trailhead parking lot was the emptiest I’ve seen for a midmorning start.

The first mile or so felt like another world.  There was sun in Seattle, but here it was mist and fog blurring between the trees.  Moss hung, mud squealched and we plodded along.  I heard the snow before I saw it, falling in thick clumps out of the trees.  I love the way snow slowly takes over as you switchback up a mountain. At first it’s visible just a little higher up, in tree branches and through the woods.  Then the trail starts to get slushy in shaded areas, mud melding in to packed snow and footprints. Eventually you turn and realize that snow is on all the branches and the light rain has switched over to flakes.  I put on my micro spikes and we countinued up for another mile or so until the dogs started to shiver and we turned around. 

On the way back we ran in to my friends on their way up. We gave hugs all around and chatted until the dogs started to whine and we continued our separate ways. 

Skyline Lake

The moments that echo are sometimes so small. Jodie and I decided to go snow shoeing last week, up to Skyline Lake. It’s an easy hike… a little steep but the switchbacks make it feel easier and all told it was just around three miles round trip. I had two maps folded in my pocket, protected in a zip lock, but we never needed them. We met a few people along the way but had the trail to ourselves for the most part. The lake was completely covered in ice and snow- it looked like a clearing in the woods more than a body of water. We paused at the edge and watched the pines across the lake sway almost imperceptibly in the wind. And although I hadn’t thought of it in years, suddenly I remembered the first time I did any yoga. Lois Harrod was leading us in simple sun salutations for a break between classes at Governor’s School. 12 teenagers, closing our eyes in mountain pose, feeling the grass of TCNJ on our toes and letting the summer sounds of the campus wash over us.

I don’t stay in touch with any of these people, but lately I’ve been thinking about them a lot. Laura’s laugh, Justin’s quiet strength as we stretched before heading out for a run before the day properly started. The guy I never really liked who called me a deer and wrote about sex in a confusing physical shape that was driven by want and not experience. But we were in high school. So much was awkward want. I know that Joey has a baby now, and makes beautiful objects like teapots and speakers. Justin has a baby too. Susannah’s smile is still broad and joyful, Laura has a dog and lives near D.C.  I know these things from social media and the occasional email.

I don’t write anymore. At least, I haven’t in a while. But I do yoga, and I move my body and still think of the the world in poetic form. Jodie and I kept going past the lake- we kept heading up the ridge until we found a garden of boulders, almost covered in snow. She kicked forward, plunging her pole to look for holes, and I followed. At the top we could see the valley, skiers like rice grains, fog and clouds rolling through. The wind bit at us and trees swayed but the ground we stood on was stable.

After Christmas I worked on a print from the boulder garden. I’m not sure it’s finished – but it will do for now.

Final(ish) print

Sky is too heavy.

Too dark, not enough light in the snow/sky.

First test print with ink.

Test print with stamp ink.

Before any printing.

Sketching out the plate.

Reference material and start of the print.

Somewhere in the middle of the tunnel

This morning I was talking to a friend of mine at work—a climber and dear friend who has known me longer than my boyfriend.  “How was the gym?” she asks, and I shrugged.

“Fine, but frustrating.” I tell her about a conversation I had with my boyfriend… I wasn’t feeling strong and I was trying to do the drills that Audrey put together for me—climbing mildly overhung easier routes with first one leg, then the other, then hovering over each hold before making contact.

“So… what exactly is this supposed to be doing?” he asked. I was crushed. I don’t think he meant anything by it, but it sounded so dismissive and I’m already so uncertain about training immediately all of the reasons Audrey gave me flew out of my head.

Later, I walked back to the weight room. Even half a dozen people makes the space feel crowded, and everyone seemed to have their timers going. There was one other woman, stretching, but she left fairly quickly. The rings were well above my reach, two guys were setting up lat pulls, there was a guy on the rowing machine, and a few guys were using the free weights. My boyfriend and his friend were doing core work and pull ups.

I can’t remember the last time I saw a woman in the weight room doing anything besides the bike. I can’t remember a single time I’ve been back there and the women outnumbered the men. My boyfriend asked “how much longer do you have?” and I shrugged. “I don’t know, I’m not doing my routine…” I gestured around the gym. “There isn’t room.”

The guy on the rings offered to let me cycle in—but I didn’t want to throw off his rest cycles and I would need to readjust everything and it just felt impossible. I took long enough stretching out that the gym slowly cleared and I got everything in, but that isn’t really the point. (When the guy on the rings left, he lowered everything for me… because everyone really is very nice, but that isn’t what this is about.)

I know I shouldn’t be crushed so easily, I know that I belong in the weight room just as much as any of the dudes (and have I mentioned that they are ALL always SO NICE? Not in a creepy way either, just genuinely helpful and kind). I know that I should have the will power to train on my own. I know that it will make me stronger and when I am stronger I will be happier… except, really? Will I be happier? I watch strong climbers still get frustrated when they can’t send a V6… while they dance up my project to get to the crux of their own project.

I used to find joy and grace in climbing. It used to be a safe place for me, where my friends congregated, what we did on weekends. It used to be something that was emotionally easy, not fraught. I don’t entirely know what shifted, and I keep trying to regain some of that ease that I had. One of my oldest climbing friends finally finished school and she and I have been meeting up again—that’s a good thing. And I’ve slowly starting to lead again, and it feels good. I’m scared though. I’m scared that I’m going to get injured and have to take months off again. I’m scared that the months off I had to take this year have knocked me so far back and out of habit that I’m starting over. I’m scared that helping run She Rocks has made it nearly impossible to do my own climbing—that I’ve helped start a community by failing myself. I’m scared that to focus on my own climbing means abandoning the community that means a lot to me, but I don’t have the partners to climb with if I don’t have the community.

I know nothing is as drastic as it feels. I know that anything goes in waves and I’m just in that transition, coming off of tendonitis, transitioning from weight training back in to climbing, transitioning from my own schedule to trying to match schedules with partners. I just wish it felt easier sometimes, and that I could feel as strong as I did that summer when I was working on leading 11’s at the gym, when I climbed through three partners in one night. Before I fractured my wrist, before I gave myself tendonitis, before friends moved away and lives changed and grew apart.

If there’s light at the middle of the tunnel, it’s knowing that I’ll be headed to Laos to see one of the first women I climbed with – we’re climbing, sure, but we’re also just having an adventure. And after that there’s the Flash Foxy festival down in Bishop. I want to be strong for both of these things, to work and learn from women, to laugh at the base of a climb and try something I think is above my ability and to do it anyway. And the only way to get there is to figure out a way to train and block out the voice that crushes me—in the weight room, in the bouldering area, on lead… because it’s just me, shutting myself down. But goddamn, it’s hard sometimes.

Headwaters Relay GO TEAM HONEYBADGER

I used to be a runner. High school and college were scheduled around practice and meets.  I had a near permanent sports bra tan and my car was constantly full of discarded socks and a spare change of clothes. Then I went to grad school and running in the summer heat was just too oppressive, the roads were unfamiliar and although I talked to the coach of the team at UCR to try to volunteer, nothing came of it and I slowly fell out of habit. Running was still where I found solace—when I found out my dad had cancer I pulled on my sneakers and ran through a hailstorm around Green Lake and had welts on my arms and legs for days after. I ran with my roommate and used to promise myself that my wishes would come true if I could stick with him but he always outsprinted me and, in a way that I should have seen symbolic, I was left chasing him, collapsing on the grass to stretch when I hit the sign that marked our stopping point.

 

Then I found climbing and I got distracted, running sporadically. A 5k here or there, a few months of morning runs before letting sleep take back over, but it felt wrong to say: I run. I started doing more mountaineering and any running switched over to hiking, with a quick sprint thrown in once a month or so if someone asked me along for company.

 

But then Cate asked if I wanted to do the Headwaters Relay. A three day relay race across a state I’d never been to in the heat of the summer. Grueling and dusty, with an average of around 10 miles a day if we could find enough teammates, more if we were short. And of course I agreed, because I love relays, I love seeing friends, and I’d never been to Montana. I somehow convinced Devi that it’d be a good idea and we started running together at work. And throughout… my Achilles were nagging, hurting enough that I never went as far as I thought I should.

 

Yeah. Tendonitis. I should have known.

 

As the relay approached I knew I couldn’t run it—my PT kindly said “sure, we can consider it” but he and I both knew it wasn’t going to happen. Luckily Cate said there was room and I came out anyway to support the team.

 

It turns out that NOT running a relay race when you imprinted racing on your blood and body during some formative years is really hard.  I wasn’t quite sure where I fit in to the team—especially when even a sprint to see the start of the race hurt. So I cheered as loudly as I could, I drove when no one wanted to, I jumped in and out of the car to bring water and I tried to photograph everything while everyone else was just trying to make it through the dusty Montana landscape.

 

I’m excited to go back next year—and it reminds me why I’m doing this 8 week training program with Paige, even though I hate gyms and even though I really miss being able to eat whatever I want. It’s worth it. It will be worth it. Next year I’ll be as sore and exhausted as the rest of Team Honeybadger was. I can’t wait.

Hanger Hanger and Gym Phobia

I’ve been in a rough place lately. On the surface things are fine… happy home life bumping along at a fine pace, a boyfriend who is kind, his two dogs that love me unconditionally, a job that’s good and a team at work that not only supports me but sings my praises at points. I have good friends and I’m involved in both WAC and She Rocks.

So what’s up?

Sometimes… all the pieces line up and still things are wonky. Although I just started going to PT, if I’m being honest I’ve had pretty severe issues with my achilles since climbing Rainier last year. This means that a casual run resulted in severe pain… and wasn’t that conducive to going out for another casual run. As any runner (or non runner) can attest… when running becomes a once a month thing, it’s pretty painful. I know that yoga is good for me… but when the only class that works in my schedule starts at 6 am… it never happened. I know how to cook but when you’re cooking for yourself more than a group… chicken nuggets were in frequent rotation. There are a million other small decisions where I made the wrong call or gave up early and took the easy path. Climbing became top rope socialization. Running morphed in to a longish dog walk. The hike up to Snow 1 for WAC had me realizing that I didn’t belong in the alpine (and trying desperately to stretch my achilles through my mountaineering boots).

Inactivity led to weight gain and muscle loss which leads to weaker climbing and more painful hikes and instead of doing something, I crumbled.

And then I got inspired, threw myself back in and— found myself sobbing halfway up Calculus Crack in Squamish in more pain than I’ve ever experienced.

When a lot of your life revolves around physicality, falling apart is pretty emotionally rough. I’m not a strong leader right now, and I have no place trying to teach anyone skills. I feel like an impostor even attending She Rocks events, let alone organizing them. I feel like a failure when I’m helping select the students for the Intermediate Class for WAC.

If I step back and look at when I was in the best shape, there were a lot of other broken things in my life. I was in a pretty emotionally abusive relationship and I was fighting just about everything, trying to keep my head above water in an emotional sense. It’s easy to look back and feel the strength I had in my body, but that was compensating for a whole hell of a lot of other things. Now I’m not strong and I’m realizing just how many hang ups I have around body image.

I found a trainer online and just sending her a few before photos was excruciating. I felt like I was buying in to the “skinny is pretty” attitude and I hated it but also, looking at the photos felt awful. I couldn’t even ask my boyfriend to take them- I didn’t want him analyzing me, looking at me so exposed. My trainer reassured me– this is merely to track progress. It still felt awful.

And now, a few days in to a macronutrient diet plan and gym workouts– I’m constantly hungry and I feel so awkward in the gym that it’s only my stubbornness that keeps me there. I want to work out in a dark hole until I’m strong enough to show my face in the gym.

This. Is. Ridiculous.

But I’m writing it up because I need to remember this feeling. This time before the learning curve. I’ll work with Paige and figure out how to eat the right things at the right time so I’m not constantly hungry, angry and on the verge of tears. I’ll work in the gym and I’ll learn how to do everything and it won’t feel like starting from scratch every time, and it will all be ok.

And at the end of this, I’ll be stronger. Physically, sure. But hopefully this clears out some cobwebs in my head too and restores some of the confidence I used to have in my strength.

Olympic Coast in a shiny white van

It’s very hard to get a pre-dawn start in Seattle during the summer. As Paula and I put together our loose plan during the week, this is what I was envisioning: rolling out of town with the pre-dawn mist rising off of the water surrounding Seattle.  The actual departure is slower… I’ve forgotten coffee and we forget the America The Beautiful pass and have to turn around and by the time we’re finally on 5 it’s the full grey of a Seattle summer morning. I have a map in my lap and a book tucked in to the dash.  My phone is stashed away—we’re doing this the old fashioned way, without an agenda beyond “let’s go to the coast” and a general idea of towns. La Push. Aberdeen. Port Angeles.

South of Olympia we get on to 101 N and it takes an embarrassingly long time for me to realize that we’ve made our first minor mistake. 101 runs along the coast and from what I can tell, we’re supposed to have water on our left side. The water is, resolutely, on our right.  There are signs for Hood Canal themed shops and restaurants, but we should be near Humptulips. “Funny how things are named for places that aren’t actually close,” I say, and turn the map to another angle, as if this will right the orientation. I can’t figure it out, but it doesn’t help that my map has 101 streaking in to view with an arrow “To Olympia” but cuts off before showing anything I can use for reference.  We’re on 101 N. We should be driving UP the coast, not down, but if the water is on the right….. and when did we pass through Humptulips?

Whoops. Turns out things are named after the Hood Canal when, shocking, you’re actually located there. North. We’re cutting up and down the coast rather than over and up like we’d planned. I find us on the map and start calling out towns and landmarks. We pull in to Seal Rock campground to stretch our legs and a man comes over to talk with Paula about her van. At first it’s clear that he assumes she doesn’t know about the guts of the thing and by the end of the conversation he’s nodding with that “yup yup” satisfied look as she explains her plans and points to what she’s built out.  He’s been living in his RV with his wife for over 15 years—it feels like Paula’s getting a symbolic patch to sew on to her van-living jacket.

Photo Jul 16, 11 41 28 AMAs we get close to Sequim traffic slows down— on our left is a lavender farm with tents and music and traffic grinds to a halt as people cut across and in to park in the fields. We join them, grab some Honey Vanilla Lavender ice-cream and hightail it out. On to the coast!

We stop in the Forks Visitor Center. It’s very quiet and the two folks working are super friendly. I want to browse postcards but feel awkward. We find out that there’s a festival in La Push and are handed a flier with schedules for the tribal dances and poker games. There’s a red pickup truck parked outside with a plate that says Bella and a gauge marking how much rain has fallen so far this year. The Twilight swag is still there but a bit faded and worn. As we drive towards La Push we see more signs for Werewolves. The sky is a moody gray and trees tower along the road—it’s easy to see why this place was used for vampire novels.

Photo Jul 16, 4 28 56 PM

The main street of La Push is blocked off and stands and food trucks line the sides selling a combination of festival things and blankets with geometric patterns. We park and head over to River’s Edge. My book tells us it’s an old Coast Guard station and it’s was recommended to us by one of Paula’s friends. We’re there between the lunch rush and dinner rush—it’s just us, a few tired servers and a handful of other customers. We sit in a booth with a view of the Quileute Marina. An otter plays on the dock outside and a man zooms around what looks like an outrigger canoe outfitted with a motor. The peninsula jutting from Rialto Beach is a shroud of shadows with silhouettes of three hikers and a dog picking their way along the rocks.

We head back through Forks and inland through massive forests that alternate with newer patches that show the results of clear cutting. Another time we’ll hike down to Shi Shi, but that’s not this trip. Pretty soon we signs for Ruby Beach and begin our slow meander down through the Olympic National Park towards Kalaloch and Queets.  We walk Riley down to the beach and I take out my nice camera, only to realize I don’t have a memory card. The waterline is full of crab shells and Riley alternates between enjoying the surf and looking longingly at the crabs. We walk along the water and find a dead harbor porpoise on its side. The coast is grey but beautiful and dramatic—rocks are dark hulking shadows in the mist and despite the sea breeze it’s warm.

We pull the van to the shoulder where we can see the road and I dig around my bags and find the card I was missing earlier. Riley settles down on the grass in front of us and we drink beer watching the waves. It’s getting late and it’s time to either find another place to eat or to make sandwiches and find a place to park the van for the night. We get back on the road, turning inland towards Amanda Park. I can’t find much in the book but it looks like there are a bunch of campsites and lodges and this is a good indicator of someplace to eat. Turns out I was looking at the wrong part of the book and there’s a whole section on Amanda Park and Lake Quinault. We take the South Shore Road in past the lake and find the Salmon House. Inside it feels like summer camp—the carpet is a dark utility green and the tables are square with forest green Formica.  We are seated near the window and the table is placed at an angle so we can both see out on to the lake. The lawn is well manicured and it feels strange after the tangle of pacific rainforest.  Hummingbird feeders hang at each window and throughout dinner a hopeful bird flits from feeder to feeder. Dinner is scallops, trout and oysters. We pull in to a trail head and set up the van for the night.

Photo Jul 16, 7 49 17 PM

I should take a quick moment to talk about Paula’s van. She bought a Sprinter earlier this summer with the plan to build it out and dove head first in to tutorials ranging from carpentry to wiring. With the help of her neighbor Leo she’s built a platform for the bed, wired in solar panels, installed a window and two new fans… this is the first trip with the bed platform and working fans and we’re testing out to see how it all works. And—she did a great job. That night the fans whir peacefully and we wake up without a drop of moisture from our breath.

In the morning we drive back in to Amanda Park and get breakfast at IC, the Internet Café. It’s not a café so much as a diner with a few postcards, a single computer and an empty fireplace. We head to the North Shore road to find the trail to one of the largest Red Spruce trees and find what we think must be the trailhead, but there aren’t any signs and the path is kind of abandoned. A quarter mile in we find out why—the tree has fallen and instead of a looming hollow spruce we find shattered wood and an open clearing.

We head south and inland. Humptulips is a town of three buildings and we’re past it in a flash—so much for a tourist stop because of a strange name. I was expecting at least one tacky stand with postcards but it’s just a Post Office and general store and back to forest.  Houses start to appear again as we get close to Aberdeen. Compared to what we’ve been driving through this feels positively flourishing. We stop and look at my map—it’s either loop down to drive along Grays Harbor or we call it a trip and head back home through Olympia and Renton with a quick stop to IKEA to pick up the official van mattress to replace the inflatable. IKEA wins and we’re off—heading home.

Despite driving along the coast, there’s so much we didn’t see. Miles of beach, miles of rainforest trails. My guidebook is dog-earred and ball point scrawls in the margins. The map is no longer neatly creased but folded and refolded along makeshift lines. Pretty much the perfect road trip—I get back happy to be home and with dreams for the next journey.

Turff Club

Behind me, miles and minutes, is a coast line with bodies crowded around a fire. Laughter and wind tangling sand in to hair and the cuffs of jeans. Hoods pulled up, sunset still touching the horizon despite the late hour.

My car jostles on the road—she’s over 100K and needs a checkup but I keep forgetting. I love her but I am inattentive to mechanical details. We shudder past warehouses, the water to our left, Seattle a glittering cluster of sky scrapers and cranes. A light flips to red and as I slow down I see the sign for indoor soccer plastered on a warehouse.

And I’m back there, following a hand drawn map between semis and warehouses, the road gravel in my memory, though it may have been merely pot holed and rutted. I find the right warehouse and park, uncertain but drawn to the light inside. I know some faces but at this point, over a decade later, I can’t tell you a single name. Just the bleachers, the astroturf, a soccer ball and the bodies careening after it, so quickly it’s difficult to follow. There is anger and shoulders and arms gesturing—shoving that almost becomes a full out fight but pulls back just shy of a punch.

And because I have a crush on him, I offer my friend a ride home. Or we’ve prearranged this—again, I can’t remember. My memory jumps from game to car—the way the windows immediately steamed up and how frustrated he was at how everyone played. And all I could think was – this moisture is the physical representation of what I just saw; that crazy energy, the bodies and shouting and cacophony of a game meant to be played outside confined by the walls and ceiling of a refurbished warehouse. How alive we are, in this moment. How that very aliveness is encapsulated. Everything somehow suspended and pushed against the glass until it has to become moisture gathering, beginning to drip.

I touch this memory so often that I’m sure it’s changed—by replaying memories we rewrite what we revisit. I have the map, folded in the leather jacket I wore that night, pink ballpoint pen starting to fade. And I could ask him—we are still friends, though closer now, more important to each other despite distance. We love each other in the way that old friends—talking every few months, emailing more frequently, sending care packages from coast to coast filled with random trinkets and hand written notes – love each other. Unconditionally but without romance. But I won’t ask him, because I like what I remember and we are all allowed our small delusions.

The light goes green and I move forward, following the edge of Elliot Bay towards home.