I’ve been in a rough place lately. On the surface things are fine… happy home life bumping along at a fine pace, a boyfriend who is kind, his two dogs that love me unconditionally, a job that’s good and a team at work that not only supports me but sings my praises at points. I have good friends and I’m involved in both WAC and She Rocks.
So what’s up?
Sometimes… all the pieces line up and still things are wonky. Although I just started going to PT, if I’m being honest I’ve had pretty severe issues with my achilles since climbing Rainier last year. This means that a casual run resulted in severe pain… and wasn’t that conducive to going out for another casual run. As any runner (or non runner) can attest… when running becomes a once a month thing, it’s pretty painful. I know that yoga is good for me… but when the only class that works in my schedule starts at 6 am… it never happened. I know how to cook but when you’re cooking for yourself more than a group… chicken nuggets were in frequent rotation. There are a million other small decisions where I made the wrong call or gave up early and took the easy path. Climbing became top rope socialization. Running morphed in to a longish dog walk. The hike up to Snow 1 for WAC had me realizing that I didn’t belong in the alpine (and trying desperately to stretch my achilles through my mountaineering boots).
Inactivity led to weight gain and muscle loss which leads to weaker climbing and more painful hikes and instead of doing something, I crumbled.
And then I got inspired, threw myself back in and— found myself sobbing halfway up Calculus Crack in Squamish in more pain than I’ve ever experienced.
When a lot of your life revolves around physicality, falling apart is pretty emotionally rough. I’m not a strong leader right now, and I have no place trying to teach anyone skills. I feel like an impostor even attending She Rocks events, let alone organizing them. I feel like a failure when I’m helping select the students for the Intermediate Class for WAC.
If I step back and look at when I was in the best shape, there were a lot of other broken things in my life. I was in a pretty emotionally abusive relationship and I was fighting just about everything, trying to keep my head above water in an emotional sense. It’s easy to look back and feel the strength I had in my body, but that was compensating for a whole hell of a lot of other things. Now I’m not strong and I’m realizing just how many hang ups I have around body image.
I found a trainer online and just sending her a few before photos was excruciating. I felt like I was buying in to the “skinny is pretty” attitude and I hated it but also, looking at the photos felt awful. I couldn’t even ask my boyfriend to take them- I didn’t want him analyzing me, looking at me so exposed. My trainer reassured me– this is merely to track progress. It still felt awful.
And now, a few days in to a macronutrient diet plan and gym workouts– I’m constantly hungry and I feel so awkward in the gym that it’s only my stubbornness that keeps me there. I want to work out in a dark hole until I’m strong enough to show my face in the gym.
This. Is. Ridiculous.
But I’m writing it up because I need to remember this feeling. This time before the learning curve. I’ll work with Paige and figure out how to eat the right things at the right time so I’m not constantly hungry, angry and on the verge of tears. I’ll work in the gym and I’ll learn how to do everything and it won’t feel like starting from scratch every time, and it will all be ok.
And at the end of this, I’ll be stronger. Physically, sure. But hopefully this clears out some cobwebs in my head too and restores some of the confidence I used to have in my strength.